Mind games

In the early years my mind was a wreck in competition. Thinking crazy thoughts during a beam routine. Working to rattle me as I tumbled.

At the end of the day I always competed just fine. Occasional meltdowns but we've all been there. I moved calmly and you would never guess the mental chaos.

I read a book about gymnastics psychology. All the gymnast biographies I could get my hands on. They all praised positive thinking and visualization. I visualized but found that my viewpoint kept shifting, like a filmmaker: first this angle, then this. I tried to "think positively," to "stay in the moment," but I was just too damn anxious. It was like my mind was saying, "Not only do you have to stay on a four-inch beam, but you have to defeat me, too."

I developed an excellent relationship with higher powers. As phrased wonderfully by a college teammate: "I talk to God every time I do a flight series." And so I did before every meet, during every meet. I had various requests ranging from "Don't let me die" and "Don't let my coach yell at me" (equally grave) to "Please let me qualify for [insert competition]." I must say the higher powers did an excellent job of upholding their end of the bargain (though I really brought nothing in return). But I remained tense, nervous.

What changed?

The battle never ended but it quieted as I got older, started realizing that competitions could be enjoyable instead of life-or-death. That I could be happy in the instants I wanted to rush through. That these times were finite.